Thursday, January 04, 2007

Open Road

There are few images that are as liberating as the image or even just the phrase as the open road. A way. A road. Via. To pass. And there is no one else around.

2007 is one giant open road. I'm sure my optimism will soon be warped by the inevitable jarring realities of stress, mistakes, and sickness, but I think I am growing to better handle it.

My goals in 2006 were achieved in undesirable ways. I wanted to be stronger and better my emotional endurance for ambiguity and stretch my tolerance of difference so that it is so thin, it is almost transparent. I thought this could be achieved by moving to a bigger city, working in a more progressive place than my current employment, or by surrounding myself with more like-minded folks who could inspire me, drill me, and assist my growth.

Then the wake-up calls of life alarm. The fact and truth of life is that you rarely grow in comfort. Gardens and babies grow in favorable climates of love, warmth, and gentle nurtures. Adulthood - the late 20s of the childless married people - is different. Growth appears in the form of challenge, disappointment. The opportunities to grow present themselves when problems call for far more than just more strength. More strength is just more of the same. The ability to conjure up something foreign - like patience or will or confidence - is the real test.

This year was not the usual up and down of life. 2006 was a consistant hum of trial; constant strength training. The difficulty never letting up. There was always something left unfinished, unsaid, and unresolved. And it had to stay that way. My need to finish, say, and resolve was typically left unfulfilled.

Do you know how painful that is?

To be waitlisted for psychology doctoral programs. To drive 2 hours everyday to a place you'd never want to live. To be away from the people who know the calculations of your heart. To be surrounded by values and beliefs you would never put your signature to but pay you well to be on their team. To doubt your own value, the existence of your talents and gifts. To find solace in the night finally ending and Grey's Anatomy. Carving out your difference is hard enough without being in a place that magnifies that difference a hundred fold. Being here - in a place that thrives on SAMENESS when being the same sends me into shock - sucks.

I'm told about dipping parties. Oh, you don't know what dipping parties are? They are when you drop off your diamond rings to be dipped and cleaned while you go shop. I looked at my exquisitely thin wedding band of silver, barely visible, and thought of my beautiful engagement ring sitting in a dusty box at home,

- and thought to myself -

A dipping party sounds like the third ring of hell. I'd rather put a cigarette out in my big toe.

But I, Adonis and I, we, endured. You get through years like that. You get through times when nothing is entirely terrible, but things just don't seem to be getting good. Love, HUMOR, and a bottle of Grey Goose can do wonders.

But, ahh, the open road. That's what's best. The wide open spaces for me shout, scream, and MOVE. This is 2007, my friends. The possibilities, the chances, the change is unfathomable and unpredictable. Just the way I like it.

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