In about two weeks, I'll know for sure (well, almost sure) what gender you are and that seems to be a monumental event to everyone but me.
In some ways, I've already known you as Veronica, but you could be Isaiah, and I'm wondering how that will change if I find you are a boy, or girl, or whatever.
I wish I could be more eloquent about this issue, Love, but the truth of the matter is, I don't give a damn what GENDER you are. I just want you here safe, secure, alive, well, and breathing in my ear.
Nearly everyone but you is irritating me these days and I attribute that to my hormones. The hormones that is making my body grow hair like a gorilla, the hormones that are making me want to make love every night at least once, the hormones that make me feel depressed then ecstatic. In other words, the hormones that are making me crazy.
Having a baby seems like the most natural thing in the world. Billions of women have done this well and have survived and yet I feel like I'm the only one feeling like this. Supported, yet, deep down, I feel abandoned. I look at your father and feel this chemical dependency on him that scares me. I never knew I'd feel this way. Other days I feel like I am falling in love with him all over again as I see how his unfolding fatherhood is shaping him and his thoughts. He and I agree on so many things, it scares me. I thought we'd be in disagreement.
My parents are in town this weekend and they keep staring at my stomach, where you are, and smiling, excited for this new life to come roaring out of me. Sometimes, even though you are inside me, I feel very alone. More eyes are fixated on my stomach than on my eyes. So many people ask, "how are you feeling," rather than, "how are you?" and I feel the difference in my sense of isolation. It's as if people don't see me, and only see you.
You matter. I matter. I just don't know how it all meshes together when it feels like the only reason I matter is because you are in me, growing in matter.
I hope you can see through my jumbled thoughts, Love, and know that you are the most important thing in my life. I love you more than you or I can possibly fathom and not even my confusion and attitude can overshadow the earthquake of love I have ready to share with you. I'm human, you'll see, full of imperfections and selfishness and stupid thoughts. It's good that you know that upfront so you'll understand when I screw up but will always come back and remind you that I love you.
Some days when I walk around by myself, I wish I could hear your voice. I wish we could already have a conversation. Your soul is wise, I can tell, and I know I will learn much from you.
I hope I don't let you down as a mother. These days, my insecurities seem to be getting the best of me.
But you ARE the best of me and worth more than any fear I can harbor in my bones.
Let's keep each other strong these next few months.
Monday, July 20, 2009