Sunday, December 14, 2008

Letter #2

Dear Veronica,

This has been a week that you must know about.

First of all, my beloved ob/gyn decided to throw me to a specialist five miles away because I am going to need surgery. Dr. David decided that my ovaries need to be "spiffed up" and thus need a laparoscopy. In a nutshell, it's like Inspector Gadget is going to go in there and remove any scar tissue from my last surgery in 99 and to remove another sprouting dermoid tumor.

All of this in your name, my sweet.

Your father is quite anxious at the doctor's office. He makes ridiculous comments and tries to make me laugh. I shake my head at him to stop and I feel like a principal telling a misbehaving 10 year old to shut his mouth.

My other doctor, Dr. Liu seems quite optimistic about the surgery and I felt he was nearly giggling at inappropriate times when I asked a question. Your father thought laughter was a good sign; it means we're not going to be the 12% of couples whose efforts to have a child are saddeningly null. Laughter from doctors, your father contends, means we have minimal to worry about.

My mouth was set in one straight line, unamused. THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS, don't they know that? Of course, I ended up stuffing a smile back when doc was examining me and inserted a strange looking instrument into my vaginal canal and showed me my empty uterus and fuzzy looking ovaries with strange masses around them. He, your pops, and a medical assistant leaned in and studied the screen like the state lottery numbers were popping up and they were going to win a 300 million dollar pot.

It struck me at that moment, my dear, that the world rests on the shoulders of woman who go through extensive circumstances to have a child. I have been thinking through how far in this process I want to go and decided I will give it my all to have you for about a year or two and likely will stop before Dr. Liu suggests in vitro. I think at that point, I'll look into adoption.

Last night I went to bed feeling sick to my stomach. I ended up sleeping for about 14 hours today and then went to urgent care. Strep throat was my diagnosis. I was so sick and frustrated. It seems the universe does not want me to have this surgery. First, I waited two months to see a specialist and then it was nearly canceled because of insurance coverage and now strep. I'm determined, though. I hope you can someday appreciate what we're going through to someday welcome you into this world.

But, Dr. David, Dr. Liu, your pops, and I, are highly optimistic that all of this is going to work. I took my first prenatal vitamin on Thursday and nearly squealed with excitement. It tasted like acidic garbage, but the thought of it making you a nice red womb to float around in and feeding you into a healthy body make it worth it. I'm going into surgery in three days and I'm hoping to start the most amazing journey of my life shortly after the new year.



  1. This really touches me.

    I found you on a blogroll as AWE; as a lover of language, I just had to read the woman who would use the term "Ecdysis." I have learned a lot from your writing and it has changed the way I view the world.

  2. Macarena,
    Thanks for your kind and warming words. You know, I think a lot of people underestimate how far a few encouraging words can go. Your comment really touched ME and for that, I thank you.

    My sincere thanks!

  3. S~ This is so beautiful. It is wonderful that you are writing and sharing this for your child later. I wish that I had written more about my excitement and unrestrained joy when I miraculously found myself pregnant with my son just after miscarrying twins & having been told I would not be able to carry a child. It might make the painful teenage years a little less so, to be able to go back and reexperience that wonder, but also for the child to see the evidence of those early feelings.

    I hope the strep heals quickly now that you are on the antibiotics and that the surgery goes on as planned and successfully. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  4. This was so sweet And not just because you used my name. ;)

  5. Veronica = Vera Icon (eikon) "true image"--the true image of God. As in St Veronica meeting Jesus in the 6th Station of the perfect a name for the new image you are looking for, inside you. :)

    Good luck.


Hey there,
Before you leave a comment, just remember two things:
1. You are taking responsibility for a public comment
2. Anything that resembles racism, homophobia, classism, ableism, or anything based from religion, citizenship, or ethnic bias - don't bother commenting, you'll be deleted.