Thursday, November 16, 2006

Revving Up Old and New Engines

When a person is in therapy, there is a dismantling of problems that occur. From the dismantling, one can see connections between problems, the depth of rootedness, and what is springing forward in new vines.

When a person is in therapy, there is a lot of work that needs to be done. Therapy, contrary to popular belief, is not being told things will be alright. Therapy is being told things are, actually, quite NOT alright and the sole holder of misery and also power to change the course of misery is yourself.

Depression can show itself in many forms, in many waves, and in many frequencies. I do not have clinical, postpardem, seasonal affect, or manic depression. I have the depression that comes in surprises, at night, when the fullness of the day is over and I am left to think about what I did or did not do. The kind that couches me and makes me think of all the things I'd rather be doing: traveling, photography, writing, and yoga when I must be doing other things. This morning, I woke with a feeling of dark glum; buried in feelings of nothingness, apathy, irritation, and profound sadness. I do not know why.

I don't want to "feel better," I want to live better. Living better, for who I am today at 27 years old, means I will take reasonable control of what I can in my life and CHOOSE to fight. Self-indulgent thoughts can include over-brooding your life and problems. I CHOOSE to limit my self-indulgent thoughts and move forward. I CHOOSE to move forward in my controversial family, my evolving with bumps along the way marriage, my No Through Way job and limited access to my soul friends who live so far away.

If there is one thing I got from therapy, it is that we must BUILD into our lives what we want to get out of it. You want joy? You must build joy into your life. You want comfort? You find comfort and build its accessibility into the seams. I want health. I must build health.

Moving from the margin to the center of your own life is taking life in your fist and refusing to let go. I refuse to give into depression. As I found a delightfully open and fortunate parking spot this morning, I glanced at myself in the rearview mirror and saw a fierce woman I remembered. I told her and whatever was looming inside this message, "You gotta come at me with more than that. I don't back down. I'm more than this."

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