Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Love's Way of Coping

Anytime I post about Adonis, I am revisited by two fears. One: By exuberantly exploding over how f*cking amazing he is, I am basically smearing my lovefest into the faces of people who may turn away in disgust and/or loneliness. I don't want to contribute to that. or Two: By blatantly baring my love for this man of a man, inadvertently, I may contribute to heterosexism.

Let's get something straight here.

Adonis, when I fell in love with him, was on his way to the seminary to become a catholic diocesan priest. Can I say from experience - you have MINIMAL to NO control over who you truly fall in love with. Luckily for us all, he looked into my chocolate eyes, ran his hand over my brown skin and thought, "There shall be no fracas! Who am I to resist this feminist sprite?"

And so the rest is herstory.

And so, if you read this and think to your gay self, "Oh, another straighter." Know that some of the closest friends and family in my life are gay and lesbian and I'm about as uncomfortable with that as I am with a hot pot of steaming jasmine rice with fresh garlic adobo. (translation: there is nothing BUT familiarity and love)

And so, if you read this are are ready to throw yourself off a balcony, thinking luv has kept and treated you amiss - get over yourself and enjoy. Life is far too delicious to spend it lamenting something you have no control over. And while we're at it - some advice: STOP TRYING TO CONTROL.

Anyhoo, last night I was in the puddle of sadness and anxiety. One of those nights were you swear nothing is actually wrong, but nothing feels completely right either. I HATE IT. It's this horribly nebulous cloud that leaves me feeling like a blob of indecision and restlessness.
Adonis puts on his astronaut shoes (aka size 13 white sneakers) and whisks me away to downtown, where, for whatever reason, the big skyscrapers, bright lights, and people walking around relax me. One taco (for me) and one m&m mcflurry (for him) later, we head back to our apartment and my anxiety is gone. He ends the night whispering in my ear, "I will always be there for you."

My dreams last night were soft, fluid, and utterly forgettable. No yelling, no nightmares. No kicked off blankets or disappointments known. I woke up, peacefully, wishing the world had a life partner like mine.

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous2:00 AM

    You don't have to feel weird about being straight but you also don't need to recycle the 'i have gay friends/family' cliché, even if your rendition is more eloquent than usual. that said, i still heart you with all my gay self.


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