Wellness is Over

So I just planned, conducted, executed an entire week of programming called Women's Wellness Week. I feel a lightness in my step, a relaxation of arms, jaw, and vagina. I feel wonderful.

The week ended with a workshop on the psychology of women and eating, a deeper look (for undergraduate women anyway) at body image and disordered eating. The university's dance team was there with matching red ribbons in their high set bouncing ponytails. I listened in the back of the room while I munched on the chocolate covered strawberries I ordered as snack food. Yes! I completely agree, I thought with my full of berry and chocolate, restriction gets you nowhere!

As it ended and everyone applauded, different young women came to me with their stories about their bodies. These innocent and lovely creatures telling me they are too intimidated to wear two piece bathing suits, too afraid how their butts will look if they attempt to climb the rock wall in the gym, and their highschool trauma stories...I thought about their words during my commute.

Talking about how you feel about your body is similar to talking intimately about your family. Y, No one can truly identify to what degree you feel. It's trembling and personal, almost sacred, to share how you see your body. And sharing that with others is a tentative, brave step for many. I could see the expectent eyes of so many, asking me to share my thoughts, my experiences of body image and my experiences of weight loss, gain, and maintenance. I kept my thoughts to myself, and this blog.

The thing about weighing 130lbs is that it comes with privileges and responsibility. The thing about weighing 201 lbs is that it comes with discrimination and fear. I can write about both and every pound in between. Weight, for some, is not just a topic about health. Weight is an excrutiatingly important topic for all the wrong reasons and I fear to share my story sometimes. I choose not to share NOT out of fear of being judged, I choose not to share because I have a fear about being misunderstood. My body is the only thing I've had with me my whole life and its story of growth, loss, operation, healing, and treatment is my own. It's mine. Perhaps one blog, I will reveal more. To reveal this much, today, is a triumph.